{"id":119,"date":"2020-02-01T08:38:00","date_gmt":"2020-02-01T08:38:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/stevesearls.com\/?p=119"},"modified":"2020-02-01T17:38:58","modified_gmt":"2020-02-01T17:38:58","slug":"why-tara-birch","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stevesearls.com\/?p=119","title":{"rendered":"Why Tara Birch?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

The Story of How I Became Tara Birch<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

For over sixteen years, I\u2019ve used the pseudonym Tara Birch when I posted my poetry and fiction online. I often stated Tara was a pseudonym, but until now I never publicly revealed my true name. Most people accepted that Tara is a female, and when asked, I said I was a female. But that was a lie. Though I now identify my gender as nonbinary, I was born a biological male and my name is Steve Searls. So why did I use the name \u201cTara Birch\u201d and assume the identity of a woman when posting poems and stories online? My answer is complicated, but for anyone who wishes to understand why I would do such a thing, here is my story. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since\nchildhood, I\u2019ve had problems with my gender identity. I was a sickly, extremely\nshy child, who had difficulty fitting in with other boys. I experienced\nthoughts that maybe I should have been born a girl. The earliest one I can\nremember occurred around the age of 7 or so, but they\u2019ve persisted throughout\nmy life. However, I was raised as a strict Lutheran, for which such thoughts\nwere considered sinful.  So, despite\nepisodes where I dressed up in my mother\u2019s clothes and used her makeup in\nsecret, I suppressed those feelings, which at the time both the popular media\nand the medical community considered deviant and abnormal. Also, as a teenager,\nI was attracted to girls, so how could I have any desire to be one myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nonetheless,\nthose thoughts I had that contradicted what was considered normal for males,\nwhether as a boor an adult man, caused me a great deal of guilt and angst. And,\nthough I didn\u2019t date in high school, eventually I dated the youngest daughter\nof our Church\u2019s pastor, and we married at the age of 20.  That made my mother and grandmother very\nhappy, because it ticked off all the boxes for their perfect choice of a wife\nfor their son and grandson. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\nshould come as no surprise that my first marriage failed for a number of\nreasons and we divorced after one year. This led to two years where, though I\nhad many close women friends, I had no girlfriends. Socially, I was very\nawkward and the failure of my first marriage only reinforced my low self\nesteem.  However, my second girlfriend encouraged\nme to explore aspects of my personality I had long denied. She learned that a\nmale co-worker had a crush on me, brought us together and we engaged in a brief\nsexual relationship. This was when I was learned I realized I was attracted to\nmen, and even more, that I enjoyed that men were attracted to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately,\nmy girlfriend had a depressive episode soon afterward where she attempted\nsuicide, and was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital. The day she was\nadmitted, I did something I never expected. She and I had visited a gay bar\nbefore this so I could see what they were like. That night, I dressed up in\nsome of her lingerie, put on her makeup and went to the gay bar alone. When my\ngirlfriend was released, I told her what I had done, expecting she would break\nup with me. She did not. She even arranged sexual encounters with gay men for\nme \u2013 men I did not know, but who she knew. To this day, I\u2019m uncertain why she\ndid this. This continued for for about 18 months, even after we married. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Both\nof us were abusing drugs, and combined with my continued exploration of my\nsexuality, our relationship eventually fell apart. I had an accident while\ndriving her car while she was away for a long weekend with her best friend.\nBeaten unconscious by three men from the other vehicle, I was hospitalized for\nthree days. After I was released from the hospital, she left me and we ultimately\nwere divorced. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

[TRIGGER WARNING] During this period of my life, I fell apart emotionally. I continued to go to gay bars until the night I was raped by a man who drove me home one. I\u2019ve written about this experience here: https:\/\/medium.com\/@stevendsearls\/my-rape-story-warning-may-trigger-sexual-assault-victims-b875044ef380<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\nstopped going to gay bars for a while, and became very depressed. Soon after, I\nlost my job due to attendance issues and ended up living in my parents\u2019\nbasement. After my parents discovered my continued substance abuse, they\nthreatened to throw me out unless I turned over all my drugs and got myself\nsober. I was fortunate that they helped me get off drugs. I drove a taxi to\nearn money while studying for the LSAT, the law school entrance exam. Accepted to\nLaw School in 1982, I was lucky to receive a merit scholarship based on my high\nclass rank. I had a few sexual encounters with men or women my first year, but,\nat the start of my second year, I started dating a fellow classmate, and we\nbecame a couple. I told her everything about my past, but she still wanted to\ncontinue our relationship, and a year after we graduated and passed the bar, we\nmarried.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\nwon\u2019t say our relationship has always been perfect, but we were both committed\nto making things work. We moved to western New York when she was offered an\nin-house position at a major corporation. That same year she became pregnant\nwith our son who was born in the late 80s. In the early 90s, I was diagnosed\nwith an autoimmune disorder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At\nthis time, I thought I had put aside all thoughts regarding gender identity\nissues, but I was fooling myself. Those issues never really went away. They\nsimply became buried beneath my responsibilities as a father and my career as a\nlawyer. For a brief time, I entertained the idea of transitioning. I discussed\nthat idea, and my issues related to gender, with a therapist who I saw for\ndepression related to my autoimmune disorder. I chose not to pursue it for a\nnumber of reasons. I was married to a woman I loved, and we had children.\nTransitioning to a female would have made it difficult to keep my family\ntogether, even assuming my wife would have accepted and supported my decision.\nAlso, with my autoimmune disorder, I couldn’t see how I could cope with any\nother significant changes in my life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In\n1998, I could no longer continue my career as a lawyer, and despite the best\nefforts of my firm, who provided legal representation, I was denied disability\nbenefits and lost my case on appeal, since I could not prove bad faith on the\npart of the insurer.  This was a serious\nblow to me. My identity was tied to my career, and to my ability to earn money\nfor my family while also being the best father I could to my kids.  It put added stress on my relationship with\nmy wife, as well. My self-worth was at an all time low. What saved me was\nwriting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\nbegan posting to online forums, or bulletin board as they were called back then\nin 1999. I used an anonymous name, thewhitetree (later shortened to whitetree),\nafter negative experiences with people when I used my real name. Someone suggested\nI try my hand at poetry. I started posting my poems various poetry forums and\nwebsites in 2001. On the one I frequented the most, I soon realized that people\nbelieved I was a woman. I do not know what gave that that impression, but at\nthe time, for reasons that are still not clear to me, I did not correct them,\nand adopted a female persona. I told Didi Menendez, the founder of a prominent poetry\nwebsite, of my real identity after mistakenly posting a comment that indicated\nI was male, a post I quickly deleted. Fearing backlash from the only group of\npeople with whom I had any social interactions, I told her I would no longer\npost there. She, to her credit, said I should not worry, that it didn\u2019t matter\nto her what I called myself. After that, she published a number of my poems,\nincluding the chapbook referred to in my bio.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So,\nyou might ask, how did whitetree or Tree as many called me then, become Tara\nBirch? In 2002, the publisher of an online literary zine, Tryst, wanted me to\nbe the featured poet for its premiere issue. That came with a $2,000 award as\nthe first recipient of her \u201cMEA Award,\u201d\nan acronym for the Muse’s Endowment of the Arts. (Link: http:\/\/www.tryst3.com\/issue1\/birchview.html<\/a>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By this time, I did not wish to out myself as a man writing as a\nwoman. I chose to assume the name of Tara Birch. Birch because it is a\nliterally a white tree, and Tara because I like the sound of that name. I\nanswered written questions for the interview she published with my poems. An\nasked her to make out the check for the award in my wife\u2019s name.  After that, I was Tara Birch wherever I\nposted my work. I assumed that persona, and to be honest, I took pleasure writing\npoetry as Tara. Tara allowed me to express feelings and emotions that I could\nnot do as Steve. In retrospect, I see that adopting Tara as my online persona\nwas related to efforts to come to terms with my gender. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even in the early years of the 21st<\/sup> century, there were\nno terms, other than terms found in abnormal psychology texts, for the gender\nissues I struggled with my entire life. People who did not feel comfortable with\ntraditional gender roles were described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental\nDisorders (DSM) as suffering from \u201cGender\nIdentity Disorder,\u201d a mental illness, until 2013, when they changed it to\n\u201cGender Dysphoria,\u201d which was not much of an improvement.  Until very recently, there were no commonly accepted alternatives that did not carry\na negative connotation.  \u201cGender fluid\u201d\nor \u201cnonbinary,\u201d terms which have become popular over the last few years, did\nnot exist for most of my life. The only one I knew about was transsexual, but\nthat was usually reserved for people who transitioned from male to female or\nfemale to male, which I did not do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For a time, I even speculated that I had  Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), previously known as multiple personality disorder, because of my desire to write as Tara, and even blogged about that possibility at a website I created for Tara Birch.  However, I\u2019ve now come to realize that Tara Birch was not a separate identity that manifested as part of a mental illness, but simply my means of coping with my confused feelings regarding gender.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I joined Facebook as Tara Birch in December 2006. At some point, I stopped posting poems and stories online except on Tara\u2019s Facebook page. I\u2019ve always explained to people Tara was a pseudonym, but I\u2019ve only shared with a few that Tara was Steve. As the years passed, and I focused more on my novel, I posted less to Facebook, but many of Tara\u2019s friends knew she was working on a novel. In November 2019, that novel was finally accepted for publication by the small press, Black Rose Writing. To promote the book, I need to attend public events at bookstores and libraries. I cannot do that as Tara Birch, only as Steve Searls. And that\u2019s when I realized I needed to disclose Steve is Tara, and Tara is Steve. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I could have chosen to stop posting to Tara\u2019s Facebook account to\navoid telling the truth my gender identity, but I didn\u2019t want to abandon the\npersona of Tara that was so important to me. I believe I never would have\nbecome a writer, or authored a novel, if I had not created the persona of Tara\nBirch.  Without her, I believe I never\nwould have written any of the poems and stories I wrote, including my novel. To\nme, Tara represents an important part of my identity. To lose her would be as\npainful as losing a close friend. And I could see no way forward unless I\ndisclosed to the people who know me as Tara Birch that the individual behind\nthat name is a biological male named Steve Searls. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I understand that many people believe gender is strictly binary, i.e., that one\u2019s gender can only be either male or female. However, I believe gender is not simply a matter of our biology and DNA, but also a social and psychological construct that encompasses many possibilities. There are millions of people around the world who recognize the existence of people who may be biologically male or female but who feel deeply that biology doesn\u2019t reflect their true gender.  I doubt I could convince anyone who does not share my belief that gender lies upon a spectrum, that it\u2019s not an either\/or proposition, that they are wrong and I am right. But for myself, I\u2019ve chosen to identify my gender as nonbinary. Link: https:\/\/www.healthline.com\/health\/transgender\/nonbinary <\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know that disclosing this very intimate and personal information\nabout my gender identity to people who only know me as Tara Birch will see this\nas deceitful on my part, as a lie, and feel betrayed, hurt or angry. I agree I did\nnot tell the truth about Tara and Steve before now. I\u2019m am not asking anyone to\nforgive me for what I\u2019ve done in the past. \nIf that means that many of them will no longer interact with me online,\nor express outrage at what misleading them, I accept that as a consequence of this\nconfession, as it were. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I could no longer go on pretending to be two different people.\nTo continue to do so, I would have to effectively deny my essential nature as a\nhuman being. And to keep up that pretense would, in the long run, would have constituted\nthe greater lie, one to myself about who I truly am. I will say Tara and Steve\nare separate people, not even to avoid the inevitable negative consequences\nthat I expect will come my way as a result of this decision. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My hope is that many of the people I have long interacted with\nonline, on Facebook and on other social media, will accept me for who I choose\nto be, and will remain my friends, but that is only a hope. But, that is all\nlife ever offers us, isn\u2019t it? Just hope. If you have read this far, perhaps\nyou have already chosen to accept me for who I am, and how I choose to identify\nas a person, both as Tara and Steve. If that is the case, you have my eternal\ngratitude.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Story of How I Became Tara Birch For over sixteen years, I\u2019ve used the pseudonym Tara Birch when I posted my poetry and fiction online. I often stated Tara…<\/p>\n

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